Hard not to feel guilty..but then I am Catholic
All is returning to normal. Well as normal as it can. With Dad gone now, we have all started to move on, kids back at school, Husbands away on business, watching the Bill on Tuesday nights and all the chore days have become routine again. Beds on Tuedays, towel on Wednesdays, shopping on Thursdays, floors on Fridays and washing back to every day. Life certainly does go on, its not just a cliche.
As I complete all my mundane daily tasks sometimes I stop and think, "Should I be sitting in a heap crying into my coffee?" because that seems the right thing to do when you have just lost your Dad and best mate. Even though it was over a month ago now, it seems like it was yesterday. I hope that horrible feeling fades with time.
Mum seems to have become more of a homebody, if that is possbile. I have tried to convince her to come and stay with us down the coast, but she keeps making empty excuses. She is either waiting for a phone call or a mysterious mail item, and for this she cant leave the house unless its to attend church. I am getting the feeling that a week with us will remind her too much that Dad is gone. My house was Mum and Dads prefered holiday destination for the last 6 years. My parents often stayed with us for weeks on end, because Dad loved the beach just like me and he would be forever helping me upkeep the garden. Mum was always kept busy as well, caring for my children as I worked with Dad and making lunches etc....They really loved staying with us and said it kept them young in their retirement. I really hope Mum can overcome her sadness and make it a habit to stay with us as often as her and Dad did as a couple. I need to have her around and she needs to be needed.
In the past four weeks as I have contemplated how much I miss my father I have found myself wishing for a sixth sence. I sit on the end of my bed in the dark and will Dads spirit to visit me and give me a sign that he is watching over me. Nothing has happened yet but I will keep trying, not one to visit fortune tellers I need to make this special contact with Dad on my own, then it will be real. I pray he is watching over me and that spirituallity is not an old wives tale. I hope he is not just a pile of ashes imbedded in a rock at the crematorium, that would seem so well......dead. Funny how we try and avoid admitting that death is the end. All the stories and fables about afterlife seem like a last ditch effort of grieving people to immortalise their lost souls. A way for people to comfort those who have no end in sight to their pain of loss. I am doubting all of it now, even though I still preach it to my children, telling them Grandad is in heaven, right up there with Rosie their pet catipillar. It all sounds so stupid now as I type the words out in front of my eyes..............................
This depressing self discussion has prompted a new thought in me today. If this is all we get and there is no afterlife, then I had better pull my finger out and get my arse in gear. I am wasting a lot of my time sooking and whining about how hard things are, so I guess the only way to make the most of it is to change all the stuff I dont like. Starting today I am not going to speak to people I dont like, life is too short. I will make more effort with friends and distant relatives, as I love them all dearly but rarely show it. I will be more honest and less fake, if I hurt peoples feelings by being so, then I will have to say sorry ,not take it back, 'cause life is too damn short. Eat better, my body deserves the best fuel to get me through this journey. Walk the dog more, kiss my kids more and get out in the sun everyday! Love my body even if it is less than magazine perfect, someone did married me so I cant be to bad!
Less computer staring.........................siging off to start living better...........
Liddy